How can a man (men) walk away from his children, not support or communicate with them as if they never existed

I know this is common, but I have never understood it at all, and never thought it would happen in my own situation. How can a man who has been married to his children's mother for fifteen years, has lived in the home and helped raise those children all that time, just write those children off as if they never existed or are a part of him??? My husband and I separated amicably nine years ago, and at first all was well, though I usually had to make the visits with the kids happen by initiating plans. Slowly, my ex began contacting the kids less and less, missing planned visits more often with lame excuses, and really hurting our kids. At first he paid child support readily, but then that began to fall off as well. Now, nine years later, he never even calls to see how the kids are or if they need anything, doesn't return THEIR calls to him, rarely pays support. He is not remarried, and has no other children that I know of. His family members are also baffled and embarrassed. What gives?How can a man (men) walk away from his children, not support or communicate with them as if they never existed
when this happens chances are that there is someone else, giving orders, setting ultimatums, and giving grief whenever he wants to see his kids, also guilt can make someone elusive and stay away.How can a man (men) walk away from his children, not support or communicate with them as if they never existed
A case of his being alienated from his family. The reasons for this phenomenon would be complex and not easy to understand. There are never easy answers to this phenomenon.
as a dad i dont get how a parent can do that when i worked out of town i would phone home every day just to hear my kids voices i just dont get parents like that
Well,


It really nice to see you care that much, thats great.


The PAIN of not seeing them daily can be overwhelming so maybe its less painful to let go. He may feel as if he has failed them and he is ashamed and may think they dont love him etc etc. A man wants to be a provider and was he successful at that? Dont point fingers soo much. Try to find a happy resolution for the children's sake.





I think he could use family counseling with him and the children together.








I spent waaaay over $50,000 to see my kids and it was a wise decision. My kids live with Me. My ex is a story in itself.
if he hates you enough he will





rarely pays support? it's not court ordered?


garnish his pay
My real dad was the same time me... Though he had a new wife... From being 12 it got less and less... Despite him living walking distance from my mums house.





I havent seen him since i was 15 though my brother still tries to pursue a relationship with him. I am 3 years older than him, i saw and remember a lot more vividly what he was like.





I'm getting married in 10 weeks and my mums partner is giving me away. They have been together since i was 12, i'm 27 in Nov. He has been the father figure in my life and i never forget all that he did for us.





The biggest piece of advice to you is to let your kids make their own minds up about their dad. My mum did her very best for us, never once bad mouthed my father, though she had every right to. He's a major let down. My mum helped us keep up a relationship with our paternal grandparents too. I will be forever grateful to her for that.





I've also seen this from the other side too.. my fiance has a son. He's moved heaven and earth to maintain contact, through numerous court battles and many many many hours driving back and forth. I love him all the more for this. I couldnt love his son any more if i had given birth to him myself. Unconditional love is what we offer our children... i dont know how anyone can walk away.
It doesn't make sense why anyone can walk away from there kids like that. I could never do it and never did. I keep in contact with mine as much as possible. Now there teenagers and well....thats another story. He needs to be apart of there life he needs to seek counsling to get over it. It;s hard when your not there every day to know what's going on with your kids or how to talk to them but you (he) has to try at every oprtunity he can. It's his flesh and blood. What ever happend between you to had nothing to do with the children. He needs to realize that and move on from there.
Maybe he is suffering from depression, strange he used to be good, maybe he feels you never forgave him for leaving and he is not worth anything therefore not a good father. I think maybe he is depressed. He could just be selfish though, but I think maybe he's feeling bad about himself. Sorry to hear that must be hard for you.
Not to excuse your ex, but this is a tough situation for a parent who is not the primary parent. It takes a real effort to be involved in the lives of children you do not live with... you begin going your way and they go theirs and it is hard for both sides to make the time.





If your ex-husband isn't a bad guy, maybe you should help him. Invite him over for family dinners or something. As for the money, that is a secondary concern, but maybe he is having a hard time financially? And since he can't pay like he use to, he may be too embarassed to call or come around?





Either way, his presence is more important to your children's self esteem than regular payments. Try to work something out with him.





Edit: I saw your last comment. I think you need to sit down with him without the kids and work something out. A first step would be to approach him gently and ask if he would like to do something as a family. If he declines, then he probably has other issues (mental health, substance abuse..) which you probably don't want around your kids anyway. But it sounds like you are willing to try which is more than most women would do.
what a deadbeat he needs to be in prison
If you still have minor children, have the courts garnish his wages and income tax. Do understand that MEN do not walk out on their families. He's not a man.
Inside, he is humiliated as a man and a father. Each and every day that goes by he digs his hole a little deeper and is making it harder and harder to get out. It's his PRIDE that's destroying him.


Every day he has to look at himself in the mirror and ask - ';What have I done?!!!';


Like most people that have done wrong - rather than face the consequences, it's easier to run away. He's running.


The very sad fact it that your children are paying the bigger price. If you have contact with him, try, really try to offer him your words of respect instead of denigrating him. Yes, he deserves all that's coming to him, but you're asking WHY he's doing what he's doing.


Men thrive on RESPECT - not love. (99% of men don't even know what love is!), but they all know to their core what respect is. And none is so great than from his wife.


I think if you look back and remember your words to him you will see that he was not supported, his need for respect was not fulfilled and he went elsewhere to find it or left to stop the dis'ing.


When he is disrespected he will not return any love and when your need for ';love'; is not met - you will disrespect him more. Then, he won't love you and...........................


It's not to late to start. You will have to be the mature one here and maybe take a shot or two - do it for your kids.


If I may offer you another piece of advice - get the book - ';Wild at Heart'; by John Eldredge. It's for men (and sons!) and you will see a part of the mystery that is man and you will be one more step to understanding.
a men liked that you and your fam are better off w-out him so make sure he paids c-support!!!!!!!!!
I guess it's hard to move on and still be tied to the past - idk??
Why do you generalize men into this category? My neighbor's wife left him with their 9 month old daughter 3 months ago. She cleaned out the bank account, and swore to him that there was no one else. He showed me her MySpace page a week later, and it said the best thing that happened to her in 2007 was 'shooting pool with Charles'. She changed her status to single. 3 months have gone by and I have never seen her stop by to give her daughter any clothes or diapers, or even a hug. Her family has disowned her over this. Now, would this give me a right to ask why women do this? No. I may ask how SHE could do this, but why the generalization that MEN do this? Get off your gender trip and quit whining. YOU have issues if you have been seperated for 9 years. Why do you not cross the line and get a divorce? YOU are holding onto something and he got tired of waiting for you to make up your mind, which still isn't made up. Stop acting like a victim, and file for support. Why the fear to take him to court for child support or a divorce? This is YOUR issue, not his.
My father did the same thing to me and my family.


He has hurt me more than he knows and


i hate him for it, which probably isnt a good thing.





just hope that he will see the light of whats hes done and make the right decision.





though i believe that theres a slim chance of that happening due to my own experiences.





good luck.