How can I effectively communicate my needs to my husband?

I'm struggling to find a solution to a missing piece in my relationship with my husband. He's a good man, he works hard, has a great sense of humor and is extremely loyal.





He's a very thinking, judging type personality which puts emotion and expression of out of play. Now that might sound typical of a man, but he is particularly of the type that loves with practicality and not emotion. I'm sure there's some in there, he's just not overly so in any way.





This brings me to my problem. I've tried having conversations with him, which he seems to understand but I think because my emotional out pours aren't 'logical' he never seems to put much importance on them.





I know he's the type of man who, if he actually understood, he would work on it...I can't seem to get him to understand that I need him to be more doting. To be interested in what I do during the day, or smile when I smile, or appreciate it when bake him his favorite muffins.





He seems to look at our relationship like an equation. I'm very much the opposite.





There are times when I need my space, I need the routine and the differences between us apply more often then not. But every once and I while I feel apart of me has gone untouched for so long.





I would never cheat on him or be unfaithful. My strength and my personal beliefs would never allow that. But it's gotten to the point where I have reoccurring dreams at night about falling in love with his antithesis.





He really is a good man, and I don't want to change him, I just want to find a way for us to meet in the middle.





How do I communicate to a man like this?How can I effectively communicate my needs to my husband?
read a book on communicationHow can I effectively communicate my needs to my husband?
You are trying to change him. Did you not realize how he was when you married him? Now, if he was all lovey dovey to you BEFORE you got married and changed after, then you have the right to be upset. Otherwise, you take them as you find them!
leave this on your computer when he gets home to see.. if he sees that this is buggin you that much that you would ask other ppl about perhaps he will try and open up to you...and you put alot of detail into your question so he would know everything that has been on your mind instead of you trying to talk to him and him cutting you off before you can finish i dont know but good luck:) marriage couselling?
Just as you said, you don't want to change your husband, but no relationship is an equation. It will never compute, equal out that way.


You are both two different people that love each other, a baby on the way soon and sometimes Men just don't ';think'; about how their wives are feeling or ask them about their day in the proper ways. It is like the wife is the one that goes all out. You fix him his favorites, dinner, tend to his every need and somewhere in that ';equation';, you feel like you've lost out.


You talk to him, HONESTLY! Express how you feel and you are an important part of HIS EQUATION that needs a wee bit more attention at this particular time. He has expectations of you, just as you feel you have of him. He can't turn a blind eye to what you feel nor need. Talking, laughing, loving are all the best ways to do this with him. A romantic dinner for you both, with BOTH your favorites and he'll notice more when you both are looking at what you both want in a more serious way. Posti Notes are always a great way of getting a point across too. Put them in a way to where he will find-YOU and hopefully, You will find HIM.


Never allow romance to slip from your hands out of your life. It is always 100% work from both of you and a gentle nudge on your part to him may just do the trick!
You: Do you love me?


Him: Yes


You: How do you think I know that you love me?


Him: I do {x,y,z...} for/to/with you


You: But that's not love, x/y/z doesn't amount to love by itself and the totality of your acts x%26amp;y%26amp;z are merely physical acts.


Him: So how am I supposed to know that I love you and know that you know that too?


You: Love is an emotion which is not adequated projected/expressed by the sum of physical action alone.


Him: ...


You: Love is simultaneous 2 way trust that each is loving the other and knowing so; but you're not doing enough of the correct physical actions anyway


Him: But you just said I can't show my love by doing x/y/z etc?


You: Ah yes, but if I attribute you're doing x/y/z out of following template A for the set of possible romantic actions. It would be sufficient for me to believe that you love me.


Him: So I basically need to show you that I'm trying to let you know that I trust %26amp; love you and for you to trust and believe me? And we will both know we love each other?


You: Paradoxically as it seems, no sum of actions are sufficient. However. Surprise me, and any action will do. I never said love made sense.





I think the above convo script I've devised should get your husband to think very deeply. There's been a lot of genuine answers, please do post your thoughts on what you think.
Wow, I was about to log off and read your question and felt like I needed to respond. I am exactly like your husband and my wife has communicated your same concerns to me. It's been a long road for us and only in the last few years are we in a good place. I know exactly what your husband is thinking, which is ';I love her and I do all these different things for her, so she should know that I love her by my actions and words, even if I am not emotionally fulfilling her';. He hears what you are saying, but like you said, it just doesn't compute because he is a thinker/analyzer and emotions just aren't part of that personality.


First the bad news, if he doesn't want to change or he doesn't think your concerns are valid, it is going to take something drastic to get his attention. I'm not suggesting threats or anything of the sort, rather you may have to be overt in your methods of communication and blunt. Take that for what it is. Now the good news is that things can change for the better. The first thing that got through to me was when my wife wrote me a long letter telling me all of the things that she loved about me and then let me know how she felt inside based on the lack of emotional fulfillment, compliments, touching, doting, etc. It wasn't that I didn't feel that way for her, I just didn't know how to express it and wasn't comfortable doing it and to be honest, I still struggle with it at times. That letter kind of was a wake-up call, but still not enough. She asked me to read a small bit of a book that really helped out as well, it's fairly popular and is titled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It helped me understand her needs and why my ways don't help her. She also brought me along slowly, any time I acted in a way that she was needing, she let me know how much it meant and how it made her feel, which of course made me want to keep her feeling good. She also tried to make me feel good in the ways that spoke to me, obviously when I felt good, I wanted her to feel good too. Like I said, it was a long process and it's one of those struggles when two people are married and share different personality types. However, every week we seem to move closer and closer to the middle and things get a little better.


My wife expressed the same things you are saying and I know you would never be unfaithful, but your desire for affection and fulfillment are valid and you have needs that should be addressed as well. So I would say this, because I know what your husband is thinking: Be patient, know that he does love you, he is just emotionally-retarded and can't show you right. Let him know how you feel in a gentle way, show him that this is some of the struggles between personalities and let him know when he makes you feel good. Also, do your best to make him feel appreciated and fulfilled, even if you aren't getting it in return at first. I admire your commitment to your marriage and I truly hope that things turn around for you in this area. Feel free to email if you have any questions. david_heisel22@yahoo.com Good luck.
The roles and responsibilities changes when a boy become a man, man - husband, husband - father etc.When we are young and dating, our relationship is bonded by physical desire, passionate sex,doting,dating,poems,gifts etc.





As we married and settle down, a man roles is to provide and be responsible to the woman he loved and his family. From your above mention, your husband is working hard, being loyal, a gd provider is a simple and honest way that a man would tell his wife he still love and care for her.





In the midst of all this distraction in his path, at time he might lost his way. You just need to give him a gentle reminder that you too need some re-assurance at times. In a relationship, one must be able to adapt to changes with the time. Is kind of a mutual bond, understanding,caring and accommodating. In today hectic lifestyle, a relationship running purely on love is no-longer realistic.





Best way to communicate with him is try to see things in his perception, find some common topics he likes, do some home project together.....you will be suprise, at times action is the best communication.
First thing to do when your ';needs aren't being met';.... drop some of your needs. Then tell him exactly what you said above.
It sounds like you have tried , now take it to another level, professionally , find a good marriage counselor and go, You need to reboot you robot husband with more emotions.





or grab a hold of his hanging down thing when you talk to him that will get his attention.
You sound like a very smart woman, thinking on the logical side yourself. If he is like you say he is, than he needs to understand the importance of your needs as well. Communication is everything, so if you can't convey your needs or he's not understanding them then you have a communication problem which requires counseling. You need to let him know this. That you have some issues that you need him to understand or you'd like to go to counseling.