Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Men - how do you communicate? Am I wrong?

Why is it that when I talk to my husband about anything, he doesn't look at me or offer a ';uh-huh'; or a nod or anything. I feel like he's not listening, but he insists he is.





Like today, he's awake, but still laying in bed and we're talking about me having to drive in bad weather, and he just lays there with his eyes shut. When I finish my sentence he doesn't even make a sound - I'm convinced he has fallen to sleep, though he was just wide awake. I ask ';r u awake?'; He says yeah, but then doesn't even respond to what I just said. So, I don't know if he really even heard me or cared about what I had to say. Then I get defensive, hurt that he just blew off what I said. Then our cycle of arguing begins because he can't for a minute understand WHY I would think he wasn't listening!





Are you kidding me? Is it wrong of me to expect nonverbal feedback and more than silence! Or is this SERIOUSLY just how men communicate by nature, and I should accept this and quit letting it cause turmoil?Men - how do you communicate? Am I wrong?
I'm not a man but I'm married to one..lol. Perhaps you are just picking the wrong times to communicate OR trying to communicate every thought or feeling that you have. When my husband is waking up, I know its the wrong time to talk to him. I'm the same way, don't talk to me until I've had a little coffee and remember what planet I'm on. Maybe he was waking up and having his own thoughts and there you are ';Bla bla bla bla bla bla';... Now you've taken it all personal and the poor guy was just trying to let his mind and body wake up.





Another thing is this. Us women tend to have about a 10,000 word a day communication system while men tend to fall in the 3000-5000 word range. Now imagine how a guy feels when we have to tell them every detail of every waking thought, feeling and emotion...it must be torture! lol ......I'm not saying we shouldn't communicate but I've found that having other women to talk to takes some of the load off of my husband. He loves me and wants to know how I'm feeling an what I'm up to but as he says, I tend to take the back roads when telling him something and he prefers I take the highway...it's just different communication styles. I tend to stick to the main points with him and save details for my girlfriends that want to hear me blab....





Don't get me wrong, my husband and I communicate a lot but we do it when it's a good time for the both of us. Learning when these times are takes patience. If he seems distracted or preoccupied with something on his mind, I just wait until he seems open to listening.





The saying ';Silence is golden'; is true. Give the guy a little gold sometimes...:)








lmao @ incin....I thought it was the other way around!Men - how do you communicate? Am I wrong?
Do you engage him in conversation or just talk? You may feel insulted by this question but if the talking is all one way and it isn't a topic if much interest to him he will tune you out and start thinking about other things.





I'll bet if you work on only talking for 50% of a converstation and do things that men respond too like asking his opinion; or engage him in topics he is interested in that you will see a big difference.
We are still cave men in suits. Its the way it is.
listen.men by nature don't want anyone in their head.some men see communication as a way for a woman to get in their heads.the next time you talk say ';what do you think?';.if he refuses to respond,tell him you feel that he does'nt care enough about you to even talk to you and it's upsetting you.if something else is occupying his thoughts and putting you on the back burner then you have a serious problem comming.
From his perspective, you're not communicating either.





For men, communication is an exchange of information regarding facts or a discussion on how to solve some problem.





When you 'talk about you having to drive in bad weather', you're talking about how you feel, and apparently expect him to say 'uh huh'. But he's probably waiting for you to say something. Something he would have an opinion on. Like 'Do you think we need snow tires?'. I bet he'd spring into action at that point.





Now, he's normal, he is listening, but he's listening for different things from you.





Don't get upset over that. It doesn't mean that your relationship is in trouble or that he doesn't love you.





You can then decide what to do with it. I'd suggest either:


- keep blathering and realize he's half listening waiting for you to ask him for a direct opinion, otherwise you're not saying much (to him).


- save your blathering for female family/friends.


- tell him straight up what it is you are looking for. Say that you realize this is wierd for him, but since he's not gay and he's gone and married a woman, you need him to understand this. Explain that you will often express _feelings_ and that what you need back is acknowledgement that he has heard what you are saying and recognizes your feelings. He could nod or say 'uh huh'. He might even go so far as to rephrase how you feel in his own words. If he understands that's the job, he can act on it.
no this is not how we communicate. silence is a form of abuse after all, as is ignoring you. shame on him. and be safe out there in the bad weather.
GIRL, i dont have an answer





but i did have to say ';Oh how I hear ya there!!';





i have one of them too!
when it comes to her ';lighting up'; every time when there is a possibility for flirting....you dont understand or you dont want to understand. first, you have obviously have never felt so abandoned in your life to feel so completely alone and not needed to understand how the body reacts when you do have that feeling conscious or unconscious, it is just such a strong need to belong and to be taken care for, it runs deep from childhood, especially when it comes to male figures I suppose, it is just that deep need to belong, not maybe so much for the sake of belonging because you dont feel complete without belonging but the need to belong in order to be needed, it is so horrible not to be needed, it cuts your ego right to the roots, you have a feeling there is no reason to live at all when nobody needs you. So, she probably (but not 100% sure) just subconscioulsly saying ';Need me, need me, give me the reason to be here, any reason, some reason, no matter how insignificant it is';. I believe it is hard to for a man to understand that when women always show their needeness much more than men, so you always feel needed at least by your mothers. Second, in the undevelop society where women seldom stand by themselves, it is an easy way (to appear flirty) to live by yourself without constantly have to fight for every single thing, I suppose it is a way to amortise the punches that people, men in particular, tend to hit lonely women. That also could be the reason. Terrible fear of being alone and without protection can play a role there (especialy now when one of the two major solutions - belonging to a community and a teacher are not options any more) so I suppose that it is even worse now, I know it is worse now because I was not like this always. Third, compared to hardness you have exposed me to, every smallest act of kindness by anyone just lights my heart, make me feel less desperate that all the people are so bad (beacuse if you are bad then what to think about others!), I know when you dont see the world like that, when you are lucky enough to have a life that doesnt face you with these terrible things about your own fragility and vulnerabilty, it is hard to understand. Forthly, I felt so abandoned when I left that I would have taken any any any the smallest act of love and care just to keep myself away from thinking about losing one of the two most importnat things in my life. I am a nice person, after all, so no I dont attract bad people and you cant say she does this just to take her mind of bad things, I attract nice people too, they do tend to create a situation that on the surface doesnt look so shalow and desperate, but I KNOW, I KNOW what it is...it is because you decided that I am not good enough to be kept and I was not trustful enough to believe in my love for you.... How is it possible to love so deeply someone who is so vulnerable and so fragile? Why oh why do I have to love her why oh why do I have to marry her....Why not ever ask why oh why are no more people so sweet as my darling is? Why? Look, look the difference between your love and mine. I ask why oh why are there no more people like my love is?
Here's one thing I've learned in six years of marriage: If you want a response, ask a question.
If what you say is acted upon. Regardless of how he appears, he is listening to you. Lots of people say, um hmm, yes, I see... but in the long run aren't listening at all, they just appear to be. So he appears to be not listening, do you have any facts that show he does not? If you don't I would just get over it, and accept it for the way it is.
Firstly, understand the ';difference'; in communication between men and women.





Some time ago, there was a cute ecard on msn where it showed the two women saying ';hello'; and in a matter of seconds, the screen filled with bubbles of talk from shoes to people. Then it panned over to two men saying hello to each other. After a long while, and background noises, one peeped up and said, ';hey.'; More silence, background noise, and waiting. Then finally, the other said back, ';Hey.';





Understanding ';how'; each communicate will help you in your approach to communication.





As well, you, as the woman, need to effectively ';tell'; him exactly what you ';need';, and give him gentle direction. Explain what and why you need him to make some acknowledgment that he is listening to you. If you do what you are doing, you are attacking him, and he will get defensive. He is listening, just his own way. You need to give him specific instruction on how to listen ';your'; way to make you feel ';heard';. That is communicating. And in doing so, he will meet your need, and because he met your need, he will meet his own need of feeling accomplished!





The cycle comes because you are not understanding of how to effectively communicate your need to him. Do not expect him to automatically ';know'; simply because he loves you, or he's your husband. This is a relationship of learning each other and how to communicate.





And lastly, do not ';down'; men. Both men and women are, as one book perfectly said, ';from different planets'; with ';different languages';. It takes time and work to properly communicate to each other. But, hey, that's what love does.





~Making it work!
Most of our communication occurs telepathically. Females have yet to evolve to our level.
That's not normal male behavior. In fact, it's not normal human behavior.





Probably should have considered this BEFORE you got married.
That goes with our selective hearing. I'm not saying it's right.
Men are not as verbal as women and to expect them to communicate the same way is just waiting for problems. I've been married 15 years and when my husband does that, I just say ';feedback';. He knows that means I want some kind of acknowledgment to what I've said.


Good luck. I hope understands how important communication is.
If he is still lying in bed, why are you trying to have a conversation with him? Did this discussion need to happen right then or could it have waited until he was vertical?
Your husband is showing nothing but disrespect and is showing that he does not care. Either he needs to change or you need to move on with your life without him. You don't need to live like this at all. You might try counseling.
This is not how men communicate. This is how men don't communicate.





Many many men do communicate, but it sounds as though you have one who doesn't. Try to get him to go with you to a marriage counselor. They are trained in talking to couples about communicating.





In the meantime, try to get him in practice by talking about things you think he'll want to talk about. I realize that you may want to talk about more things, but for now do your best to get into stuff he likes talking about. What you did today or what you're doing today may be fascinating to you but less so to him.





In the long run though, things aren't going to be great unless he can learn to talk with you.





Lack of communication is probably the #1 problem of unhappy marriages.
You must know he has been conditioned to listen for tones of your voice. Tomorrow morning see if he is ignoring you like this morning. If he is, you start to masturbate or pretend to be masturbating, then you will notice he is suddenly wide awake or very wide awake with his eyes closed while listening to this fantasy fest going on next to him.


I promise you he will respond to prove my point.
From experience I have found that most women will tell you their problems but don't want your advice on how to fix it, they just want to vent do you do a lot of venting because believe it or not men can learn to sleep through that.


My wife will say things, ask the same questions and I won't asnwer because she didn't take the advice the first ten times she asked the same question.


I'm sorry if that answer doesn't fit with the other but it might be more accurate.
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